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My Best Friend Thinks He’s a Vampire

by The Goths



My Best Friend Thinks He’s a Vampire dates from the early 1990's and sprang forth from snippets of an overheard conversation one day eavesdropped on while travelling in a Council bus over Victoria Bridge. A phrase that sounded a lot like 'Rigor mortis is a sound investment', the actual subject likely some sort of investment strategy in mortars for concrete, not mortis, was built up into a poem based on the assumption the only person who'd say something like that would be someone who thinks he's a vampire and is trying to convince someone to join him.


My best friend thinks he's a Vampire,
Reads books about bats, he's got a
Coffin on hire. Think I'd better
Call the Voodoo Umpire, coz
My best friend thinks he's a Vampire

It was at midnight in a bleak
December, there came a gentle
Rapping at my chamber door
And I had nodded, from what I
Remember, I awoke with certain
Fears I hadn't felt before

It was my best friend, I almost
Fell to the floor, He was decked in
Purple robes and other vestments
And when I asked him, 'What are
You doing this for?', He replied that,
'Rigor Mortis is a sound investment'

Well, I was walking, just to see the
Sunset, when I saw a dark shadow
Jump in front of me. Who could it
Be now? It was my friend you bet,
But when he opened his mouth,
He had a set of false-teeth.

I said, 'My friend, why you're covered
In blood!' But he was laughing as
He bit into his feral repast. He had a
Crowbar, and as he turned he said,
'I need a new car, coz
The dead travel fast.'

Better hang some garlic
From your barbed wire


released October 21, 2019
words by Percy Blakeney
music by Percy Blakeney & Johnny Stowmarries
My Best Friend Thinks He’s a Vampire has Percy Blakeney on vocals

recorded, mixed and produced by James North
Recorded at James North Productions in Brisbane
Stay in touch with the latest from The Goths visit thegoths.com.au


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The Goths Brisbane, Australia

The Goths are a goth duo from Brisbane, formed in 1987, featuring singer-songwriters Johnny Stowmarries (vocals, guitar, keyboards) and Percy Blakeney (vocals, bass).
Beginning in the 80s, with solid longstanding nocturnal residencies at The Bohemian, gigs in the 90s included Bertie's & Metropolis, The Sitting Duck, and The Dead Rat. The Goths were also one of the first performing acts at The Zoo.
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